You can't tie ladies to railroad tracks without one.

I have determined that Petruchio will have a proper mustache, but am having a time finding mustache wax. I'm not in the mood to pay $7 to ship a $0.99 tube of mustache wax over the internets, so I'm wondering if any of you gentlemen might have had call to grow a magnificent handlebar over the years, and could provide advice. Should I just use hair gel?

A phone message from Mrs. Cwabs:

"I wanted you to know that I just met 'Norm' from Cheers. They're filming a "Made in America" episode at $COMPANY. I guess I'm waiting for my close-up, Mr. Demille."

Ordinarily, I wouldn't have the heart to correct her, but she might be embarrassed if John Ratzenberger glared at her after she called him "Norm" by mistake.