fancycwabs

Selected items from as far back as Twitter is currently archiving, for more archival purposes:

My wife told me that a drive-on restaurant in hernando had the best pelvic cream in the Memphis area. I think she really said velvet.
A girl at the bar looks like the product of a bizarre generic experiment involving Napoleon Dynamite and Carrot Top.
Listening to John Mellencamp's ode to Willie Nelson, "Dance Naked."
Yet another lame / Saturday Night Live idea / "Batman on Paxil." There. Fixed it.
If it's wrong to experience schadenfreude at your daughter's locking her keys in her car for the first time, I don't wanna be right.
I've realized that Foghat's "Slow Ride" and Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax" are in many ways the same song.
All I want is a room somewhere / Far away from the cold night air / To shave my pubic hair, / Oh wooouldn't it be loverly?
The two 40something former frat boys in visors sitting down the bar from me are drunkenly discussing Tiger Woods as if he were Chuck Norris
Scrabulous dictionary wouldn't accept my perfectly-legitimate bingo, CURLIES.
I wonder if the Joker was all like "I totally nailed your brother," with Rachael Dawes.
An anagram of "Denali" is "denial." another is "I'm paying $0.27 a mile to drive around town."
Whenever anyone tweets the word "ugh!" as a sign of exasperation, I imagine them grunting *hard* instead.
Having trouble getting Shazam to recognize John Cage's 4'33"
New business concept: Pull It Yourself used auto parts and adult theater.
The room got strangely quiet when I suggested that the next Batman villain be Justin Timberlake as Chandell.
How appropriate is it that the "world premiere" of HSM2 is sponsored by a ham company?
There's a naked senior citizen just out of the pool rubbing lotion on himself in the rec center locker room. Staring at phone instead.
Like disco boy, I've just run to the toilet and combed my hair.
My tonsils seem to have become infected and have swollen to the size of my testicles. Or my testicles have shrunk--hoping for the former.
Bennigan's closing? Horrors! Where else will I be able to find a grilled chicken caesar salad and a Killian's Red?
Poor font selection makes it appear that "Crosby, Stills, and Hash" will be appearing at the Botanic Gardens. Which is probably true.
So "Vajanus" is the Roman two-faced version, and "Vagenie" is the kind you keep in a bottle?
"Didn't you go to the 'Dual Action Cleanse Symphony' last night? How was it?" "I left before the second movement."
Mowed the lawn with a 100 heat index and now my underpants are soaked. Isn't that supposed to be sexy or something?
I've stumbled into the Dave Matthews/Willie Nelson preshow crowd. I haven't seen this many date-rapists together since the Kappa Sigma party
My bag of Doritos has a profile of the founder of the National Tourette Syndrome Association Youth Amabassador Program and pussy cocksucker.
Am I the only one who wants to see "For Better or For Worse's" wedding strip to match Achewood's wedding strip panel-for-panel?
The Chinese buffet / The man with a lazy eye / Wears a pith helmet.
At lunch today the muzak was playing a Kenny G-esque cover of Outkast's "The Way You Move."
Signing with Well-Hung Records, so that anytime I sing the national anthem I'll be introduced as "Well-Hung recording artist Fancycwabs."
Last night I found a new level of sadness upon experiencing McDonald's chocolate-dipped cone and discovering, to my dismay, greatness.
Even sadder: My wife told me that I could lick all I want, but she wasn't talking about what I'd hoped she was talking about.
If a robot invasion force can easily be dispatched by a small child in a spaceship, why exactly do you need a clone army to fight them?