fancycwabs

Lord, please let the wet stuff all over the men's bathroom stall door handle be Lysol. Please.
The cat apparently used the entire kitchen floor to wipe her ass. She's lucky she's fuzzy.
It's been a long time, but I don't remember one of the themes of _Prince Caspian_ being "Mexicans should stay on their side of the river."
Horny Bunches of Oats, horny mustard, horny butter, Horny Smacks, Horny Nut Cheerios. Happy now, 12-year-old in my head?
Memphis: We never left the candlelight vigil.
Memphis: Come see our vacant and degrading architectural wonders and roller coasters!
Memphis: Our mayor can totally beat up your mayor
Memphis: The City That Tennessee Forgot.
Memphis: At least the barbecue's still good.
Memphis: Don't get your hopes up.
Memphis: Generating tweets about airport layovers since 2007.
I, for one, would like to see yesterday's Isaac Hayes funeral protest spawn a Westboro Baptist / Church of Scientology Cage Match.
Rule 34 is absolutely ruining my attempts to do character research on Beadle Bamford.
My spam email subjects are getting more compelling: "Britney Spears vagina attacks warder and escapes rehab?" That's TV worth watching!
When I reach 1000 Tweets, I get my mount, right?
Nothing is quite as disturbing as having your daughter update her facebook status with lyrics from "She's In Love With The Boy."
Two hookers arguing in front of the Mapco on Brooks Rd. Sometimes Memphis is great.
A live broadcast of A Prairie Home Companion from Burning Man would probably be enough to shut it down permanently.
Lorem ipsum lama sabachthani?
I just discovered the phrase "Dr. Pepper Snapple Group." *That's* fun to say aloud, anytime.
The silhouette of the homeless guy crossing the overpass with his shopping cart looked like a centaur.
You know, my iPhone would be completely useless on the international space station. Stupid microgravity.
I always thought that Bill Clinton could have a second career as the spokesman for BJ's warehouse club. "I love BJ's" is a great line
Just had to explain the -ILF suffix to a 48 year old who's apparently been living in a cave for the past ten years.
Saying "my cat's breath smells like cat food" is a Simpsons quote only if a non-sequiteur. Unrelated: my cat's breath smells like cat food.
I can't believe folks are sending a 25-year-old morning radio routine to @favrd. Also, it's *Dicken's Cider.*
The sad false advertising of the cherry-stem trick is that I can't tie a knot in a clitoris with my tongue.
Fantastic. I have the chorus from "For What It's Worth," followed immediately by the sax solo from "Walk on the Wild Side" stuck in my head.
Having the RNC at the same time as so many state fairs has to be a dilemma for has-been performing artists.
Nothing is quite as disturbing as receiving a set of as-built drawings covered in blood.
Looking at hotel prices in New York I'm reminded of reports of Chinese farmers who must work a month to afford a meal at KFC.
Every pump at the gas station had a receipt still in it; it was like they were collectively sticking their tongues out at me.
My fortune cookie read, "Your lucky number for this week is nine." My bed won't even HOLD that many people!
I had a dream last night where the Olympic lawn mowing competition was held at my house. Time to cut the grass.
Spore(tm): Complete with THREE LEVELS of packaging annoyance!
Oops. Got to the activation code part. FOUR LEVELS of packaging annoyance!
The pigeons in the parking lot are fighting over a sausage patty. They're developing a taste for flesh, and they don't discriminate.
"Bad-mouthing the Klan" was at the very bottom of the list of things that I thought would cost me followers.
Everyone talks about the Hardon Collider, but no one mentions how awesome Higgs' Bosoms are. They aren't called "God Particles" for nothing.
Now that we have the technology, someone should invent a pair of pants that chime, loudly, like a doorbell, when you unzip them.
Twice in five hours I have heard "Pass The Dutchie" at reataurants. I think it's a conspiracy.
Halliburton down nearly 38% since June: expect another war in 3...2...
Flapper valve chain in the men's room toilet was wrapped around something, causing toilet to run constantly. Chaos, or sabotage?
The condom machine in the Oak Court Mall men's room sells glow sticks, but not condoms. Kinky!
On NPR this morning the most boring local report on biofuels ever broadcast. And it's a repeat from last night.
The difference between the current market takeover and socialism is that socialism is both systematic and designed for the general welfare.
What, precisely, is the proper usage for the interrogative reflexive pronoun "whomself?"
I've had my share of spam followers, but today I got my first porn spam follower. Blocking that poor naked girl will make me sad.
Sorry, shirtless boy on the side if the road advertising your car wash. That would work better in midtown.
Sorry, university of Memphis ROTC car wash guy. Can you point the way to the hot babes car wash, since it's apparently car wash day?
Good heavens, it's the thing from my nightmare! http://twitpic.com/epyg
According to Google Finance, the big WINNER today is a company named Stealthgas, Inc. "Quietly letting one fly in the elevator since 1958."
As evidence of her growing maturity, my daughter is no longer ending every single one of her facebook status updates with "UGH!"
You'd think with this much plunging the Wall Street toilets would be unclogged by now.
When you think about it, the concept of lunar calendars is really cool. Especially is you're a werewolf.
Empty Memphis transit bus just drove by with it's destination reading "EMERGENCY PLEASE CALL POLICE." I hope twittering it is close enough.
Yesterday was Sitzprobe, which sounds like the German word for colonoscopy, but isn't, really.
Considering making a new reality series for pedophiles: "Are You Hotter Than a Fifth Grader?"
If I shout "ahohomora" at the point of orgasm, doors unlock themselves. #magicjohnson.
So I said / What about / Being John Malkovich? She said I / Think I / Remember the film and / As I recall / I think / We both kinda liked it
I once pulled my penis out of a top hat. #magicjohnson
For my next trick, my penis will slip out of a pair of handcuffs and escape from an underwater tank. #magicjohnson.
For "candy," Butterfinger is like eating a chocolate-coated petrified dog turd, if the dog subsisted entirely on a diet of peanuts.
The copywriters for Apple's newest ad campaign had to take a course on Macbook prose.
How did a pair of restaurant chopsticks get into the litter box? Are you trying to tell me something about the Chinese takeout, cats?
My next sheets will be made of high-thread-count carbon nanotubes. Try shredding THAT, cats!
Presented without comment: "These nuts taste like Passover."
I can't believe hundredcockpushups.com is still available.
If I weren't cancelling my cable due to the lack of televisions and interest, I would probably do it due to the use of the word Comcastic.
What does it mean if the iPhone app store has nothing to sync my Google Calendar, but seven calendars to tell me if I'm ovulating?
When I was a child just learning to read, I thought Yosemite was a mineral, like malachite or bauxite.
I'm still not quite clear on how we beat the Russians by buying lots of $300 toilet seats.
Attn: OCD germophobe coworker--the next time you spray that much Lysol in the adjacent bathroom stall, I'm breaking out my lighter.
Does it mean something if I can't find the energy to mock "High School Musical 3: Troy Bolton Discovers The Shocker?
I need Sylvester McMonkey McBean to follow me. HE gives out stars like nobody's business!
Lots of people are wishing me happy birthday online, but to I see them bringing cake and ice cream and hookers?
Just bought 1.75 L of Sirius Brand Vodka for $14.99 at Costco. Are you SURE it won't make me go blind?
FEE FIE FOE FUM! Jack's having a "heavy flow" day.
What about someone in macramé chaps, ladies? Would that do it for you?
Having trouble getting my wife to meet me to sign some documents. Does anyone know a notary bartender?
For some reason I can't say the word "douchecockles" without sounding like I'm a slobbering idiot.
The truck in front of me has a sticker devoted to the memory of the owner's dead three-year-old horse.
As I get older it becomes more apparent that I need to write a book about a sad sexy vampire on a motorcycle.
It's kinda fun watching folks migrating to Twitter from Facebook beginning all their posts with the word "is."
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have ordered the short-n-curly fries. Ew.
I love the phrase "Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast."
"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water."-Dr. Robin Smith, unaware of the double meaning.
Nation of Islam guy at Airways and Lamar has switched from selling fruit to selling Obama shirts.
Thinking about how to increase the quantity of my disciples, I accidentally got a Genesis song stuck in my head. I think you know which one.
In the rearview mirror I can see the afternoon sun glinting off my nose hair. Lookin' sharp!
Ah, Republican on the message board, telling me now that the election is over it doesn't matter what the facts are, you make snark so easy.
Coworker: "Barack is the name of the donkey that Mohammed rides into heaven." And Bush was the thing that spoke to Moses. Your point?
As the shower finished draining, it made a sound like a horrible monster and made the cats do a double-take.