fancycwabs

My third, or maybe fourth, role in A Christmas Carol is that of a lamplighter, one of two who discuss Scrooge's death during the Christmas Future Perfect scene. The temptation to alter dialogue is hard to resist, especially as I'm likely to be playing the scene Cockney (although nobody else seems to be using an accent, so I may drop it altogether):

LAMPLIGHTER 1:So, when did 'e die?

LAMPLIGHTER 2:Oh, 'e's not dead--'e's restin'.

LAMPLIGHTER 1:Look, matey, I know a dead businessman when I see one, and I'm lookin' at one right now.

LAMPLIGHTER 2:Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

LAMPLIGHTER 1:All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! 'Ello, Mister Businessman! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...

LAMPLIGHTER 2:There, 'e moved!

LAMPLIGHTER 1:No, he didn't, that was you hitting the bed!

LAMPLIGHTER 2:I never!!

LAMPLIGHTER 1:Yes, you did!

LAMPLIGHTER 2:I never, never did anything...

LAMPLIGHTER 1:'ELLO!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! Now that's what I call a dead businessman!

LAMPLIGHTER 2:No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

LAMPLIGHTER 1:Stunned?!?

LAMPLIGHTER 2:Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Moneylenders stun easily, major.

LAMPLIGHTER 1:Um, now look, now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That businessman is definitely deceased.

LAMPLIGHTER 2:Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

LAMPLIGHTER 1:'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This moneylender is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't set 'im up in the bed 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-BUSINESSMAN!!

LAMPLIGHTER 2:Yeah, you're right. I was just kiddin'.

SCROOGE:What do these two gentlemen argue about, spirit? What businessman may or may not have died here?

Action continues as normal