It's been a long couple of weeks.

[fancycwabs]

(Confidants filter: If you're seeing this, you've got some experience dealing with grown-up situations, and there's a good chance you're married, have been married, or might soon become married, although exceptions exist. In any case, I value your opinions and your discretion.)

Last night at Guys & Dolls rehearsal, the director and the music director got into a fight which ended with the music director walking out on rehearsal. As the director is Mrs. Cwabs, and the music director is my closest IRL friend, it's not particularly fun to watch them get into a pissing contest over something as stupid as a musical cutoff. Afterwards, Mrs. Cwabs went out drinking until 3am. Again. She doesn't quite fathom why her drinking with her single buddies until 2 or 3 once a week (or so) might put a strain on our relationship. "I'm not a five-year-old that needs to have a curfew!" she's fond of saying, "I should be able to spend time with my friends!" Sadly, this is how we communicate.

We've never gotten to the reasons that she'd rather spend time with them than with me, although they're pretty apparent. The people she's spending time with are all single, and their responsibilities run largely paycheck to paycheck. They never bother her with worrying about car repairs, or laundry, or mowing the yard, or shopping for groceries, or paying the bills. If they lose their job waiting tables or answering phones, there's another one next door just like it. Since none of them have kids, there's not college or report cards or discipline to worry with, either. These are all negative things that are part of the life she shares with me, and she can escape all those things when she's with them. Does she want to be rid of those things permanently, and return to the bohemian carefree lifestyle of her friends? Part of her does, I'm sure. Is she going through a midlife crisis? Signs point to yes. Will our relationship survive? I haven't got a fucking clue--in the meantime, I'm trying to be patient.

I'm hardly blameless, either--my escapes tend to be made online, though, so I'm largely available for discussion or conversation if I'm needed in the real world.

Generally speaking, I've been dealt a pretty good hand in life. I have a good job that affords me time and means to pursue whatever outside activities I want, a mostly-stable home life, and a very small modicum of talent with which to be creative in lots of different areas. In reality, this is a minor difficulty, but sooner or later we're going to have to resolve it.

Comments

[snowy-owlet.livejournal.com]

I don't think one is "entitled" to much in life, frankly, and my experience has been that people who convince themselves they're "entitled" set themselves on a path that leads to jackassery.

I agree with Skatie: in my opinion, her attitude and behavior are unfair.

I don't know whether my ex would qualify as a sociopath, but he was abusive. Those of us who have been kicked around (and let's be honest, abuse or not, that's 99.9% of us) have a choice to make: we can carry that around our whole lives or we can heal. There comes a point at which you have to lay that burden down. And that process might involve some late nights out getting sloppy drunk and crying in your cosmo: but that phase is supposed so END. When you have safety, love, and support in front of you, it's time to let the past be.

I rarely think that manipulation is a wise choice, but if she won't listen, maybe it is time to take a few nights to stay out too late and out of touch. But if she's not being sensible, can you count on that not backfiring?

Maybe therapy would be better. I know people think of couples therapy as a last resort, but therapy works a LOT better (and more quickly) if you go before things get desperate.

[fancycwabs.livejournal.com]

I mentioned the possibility of professional help during previous conversations with her. She says that we (or she, more precisely) already know everything that a therapist would say, and we're already doing it.

I'm generally disinclined towards the "taste of her own medicine" approach, in that doing something that I'm normally not likely to do in order to hurt somebody else seems spiteful. It may come to that, however.

The "sociopath" definition came off of the DSM-IV checklist:
1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
2. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
4. Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain steady work or honor financial obligations
7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another

If you get three or more, you're a grown-up, and you're not schizophrenic, congratulations! You're a sociopath!

[snowy-owlet.livejournal.com]

Well, hey. I guess El Bedbug Loco could be a sociopath, given 2, 3, 4, and 7, with occasional bouts of 5.

Regardless: yes. Spite isn't good for anyone. However, I think Ms. Cwabs is wrong about therapy. One can never know everything.

I wish I had more practical advice for you.

[fancycwabs.livejournal.com]

Simply being told that I'm not going overboard, by folks whom I trust to tell me if I am going overboard, is ample assistance. Besides, sympathetic ears are harder to come by than advice--you can get advice from a book.

[box-of-rocks.livejournal.com]

I agree that the "taste of her own medicine" idea might not be a good one. First of all, it could backfire in a big way and she could then use this as ammo "I let you go out until 3 am and I didn't care!" And then what could you say to that? "I actually didn't want to stay out; I was just trying to piss you off."?

I know that I have a tendency to be contrary sometimes, and it sounds like your wife might be like that too - the more you make your disapproval known, the more she wants to engage in those behaviors to show that she's her own person, or whatever.

I'm sorry; I have no real advice. I think Skatie might have some good ideas: "I'd probably tell both her and your friend that you understand they wish they could have a do-over. Maybe ask if there's ways to help them through this time without making yourself crazy." I think it's much better to have an understanding approach than a spiteful one.