[Tiny Filter] Update on the bad situation:

[fancycwabs]

I was off sick for part of the day yesterday, and while I was at home I installed some spyware removal software on our son's (our son comes to visit on the weekends) computer. While doing so, I checked his surfing history, and discovered (amongst the porn--he is a fifteen-year-old) that someone had hit the burning man site and checked ticket prices on the Jan 16. Today I asked her if she'd bought tickets, and she said she had. I am assuming she's bought tickets for herself and her girlfriend (who has gone before), whom I also assume has taken my place in her heart, and possibly between her legs.

I cannot think of a single reason (save my marriage vow, which I take seriously) not to file for divorce. Amy has shown no indication that she's interested in reconciliation, but instead that she just wants to stay at the house so our daughter can remain in her school. As soon as that happens, I'm afraid she's going to leave me, saddled with a ton of debt that she's currently charging up.

Any of you lawyerly types of folks who've gone through this before have any advice on protecting myself?

UPDATE: We've talked a little. She has an explanation for the ticket, at least, and still claims that she's not cheating on me.

Comments

[fancycwabs.livejournal.com]

Frankly, I'd rather she and the kid moved out--that's what she keeps threatening to do, anytime we have any sort of discussion. How much she hates the house, her life, how she wants to leave and move to midtown (where her girlfriend is). I trust myself more not to burn the place and everything in it to the ground in order to be rid of it, and I think we can get some money out of it when we sell it, which I can do as a financial rather than an emotional decision.

The credit card is in my name: She has a separate card on the account, but it's mine. The bank account is in both our names, but she's basically emptied it.

[snowy-owlet.livejournal.com]

I say cancel the card, and you need your own bank account. You may end up having to give some of the $ out of it to her, but if you can't trust her to, say, leave in enough money for the mortgage, you need to protect yourself.

I'm not talking about permanent moving out: I'm talking about right now. Do you have a safe place to go? It's hard to think clearly in the middle of a toxic situation, and what I know that I needed most in this situation was a place where I could be safe, get some sleep, and have a nutritious meal so that I had some brain power. You never make good decisions when you're scared, sleep-deprived, or hungry.

Leaving doesn't cede the house to her, especially if it's in your name.

Edit: I'm wondering whether I'm completely wrong about the bank account thing, given the above comments. So please disregard.

[phonemonkey.livejournal.com]

Leaving doesn't cede the house to her, especially if it's in your name.

Legally speaking, you're correct, but the problem is that it can be really difficult to regain access to a house if the occupant changes the locks and bars entry. Possession is nine-tenths of the law and all that. It can go to court, it's a real sod. Even if Amy says she doesn't want to do that, people can do weird and/or vindictive things in the midst of breakup.

You never make good decisions when you're scared, sleep-deprived, or hungry.

Agree 100%. I wish I could remember who it was that came up with HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) as a quick way to check if you're in a situation where you can be rational, but it's a good one.

[snowy-owlet.livejournal.com]

That's an excellent point. My reaction to this kind of situation is pretty knee-jerk, so take it with a pillar of salt.

(Except for the taking care of yourself bit: that's IMPORTANT.)

[loree-borealis.livejournal.com]

I've never heard HALT before. That is good to remember.

[fancycwabs.livejournal.com]

I should note that while I'm not particularly tired, angry, or hungry, ive been lonely for a while now. But seeing all the comments from the wonderful ladies helps.

Did I not put any men on this filter at all?