Did you know Twitter only keeps your last 250 posts easily available?

[fancycwabs]

Selected items from as far back as Twitter is currently archiving, for more archival purposes:

• My wife told me that a drive-on restaurant in hernando had the best pelvic cream in the Memphis area. I think she really said velvet.
• A girl at the bar looks like the product of a bizarre generic experiment involving Napoleon Dynamite and Carrot Top.
• Listening to John Mellencamp's ode to Willie Nelson, "Dance Naked."
• Yet another lame / Saturday Night Live idea / "Batman on Paxil." There. Fixed it.
• If it's wrong to experience schadenfreude at your daughter's locking her keys in her car for the first time, I don't wanna be right.
• I've realized that Foghat's "Slow Ride" and Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax" are in many ways the same song.
• All I want is a room somewhere / Far away from the cold night air / To shave my pubic hair, / Oh wooouldn't it be loverly?
• The two 40something former frat boys in visors sitting down the bar from me are drunkenly discussing Tiger Woods as if he were Chuck Norris
• Scrabulous dictionary wouldn't accept my perfectly-legitimate bingo, CURLIES.
• I wonder if the Joker was all like "I totally nailed your brother," with Rachael Dawes.
• An anagram of "Denali" is "denial." another is "I'm paying $0.27 a mile to drive around town."
• Whenever anyone tweets the word "ugh!" as a sign of exasperation, I imagine them grunting *hard* instead.
• Having trouble getting Shazam to recognize John Cage's 4'33"
• New business concept: Pull It Yourself used auto parts and adult theater.
• The room got strangely quiet when I suggested that the next Batman villain be Justin Timberlake as Chandell.
• How appropriate is it that the "world premiere" of HSM2 is sponsored by a ham company?
• There's a naked senior citizen just out of the pool rubbing lotion on himself in the rec center locker room. Staring at phone instead.
• Like disco boy, I've just run to the toilet and combed my hair.
• My tonsils seem to have become infected and have swollen to the size of my testicles. Or my testicles have shrunk--hoping for the former.
• Bennigan's closing? Horrors! Where else will I be able to find a grilled chicken caesar salad and a Killian's Red?
• Poor font selection makes it appear that "Crosby, Stills, and Hash" will be appearing at the Botanic Gardens. Which is probably true.
• So "Vajanus" is the Roman two-faced version, and "Vagenie" is the kind you keep in a bottle?
• "Didn't you go to the 'Dual Action Cleanse Symphony' last night? How was it?" "I left before the second movement."
• Mowed the lawn with a 100 heat index and now my underpants are soaked. Isn't that supposed to be sexy or something?
• I've stumbled into the Dave Matthews/Willie Nelson preshow crowd. I haven't seen this many date-rapists together since the Kappa Sigma party
• My bag of Doritos has a profile of the founder of the National Tourette Syndrome Association Youth Amabassador Program and pussy cocksucker.
• Am I the only one who wants to see "For Better or For Worse's" wedding strip to match Achewood's wedding strip panel-for-panel?
• The Chinese buffet / The man with a lazy eye / Wears a pith helmet.
• At lunch today the muzak was playing a Kenny G-esque cover of Outkast's "The Way You Move."
• Signing with Well-Hung Records, so that anytime I sing the national anthem I'll be introduced as "Well-Hung recording artist Fancycwabs."
• Last night I found a new level of sadness upon experiencing McDonald's chocolate-dipped cone and discovering, to my dismay, greatness.
• Even sadder: My wife told me that I could lick all I want, but she wasn't talking about what I'd hoped she was talking about.
• If a robot invasion force can easily be dispatched by a small child in a spaceship, why exactly do you need a clone army to fight them?

As always, real-time witticisms available over here.

Comments

[fancycwabs.livejournal.com]

That's because you only follow losers.
wink

[dimloep-suum.livejournal.com]

I actually un-friended (de-friended? Dunno) all Twitter-poster except you, because even though reading them in Twitter format makes my brain itch, I just really love your posts.

[fancycwabs.livejournal.com]

Okay, so you only follow one loser.

Twitter is interesting to me in two ways: A source of short-form humor (that I formerly sent in text messages before my phone would only allow one recipient at a time), and a real-life rapid response thingy for actual humans here in town, instead of only the funniest people on the internets.

A LOT of Twitter sucks, but occasionally you run across a world-class misanthrope like AinsleyofAttack (http://twitter.com/AinsleyofAttack) or SeoulBrother (http://twitter.com/SeoulBrother), and be thoroughly entertained.